Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
