one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
