That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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