I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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