I got chris browned last night
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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