I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? šš
I canāt believe I made out with a flat earther and didnāt know about it until now!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
She told me Iām a āstunt cock.ā Iām okay with that
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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