my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
