i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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