i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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