I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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