I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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