you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
