I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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