where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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