the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
