cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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