I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
