MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
