I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you inspire me to be a worse person
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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