I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
