I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
