Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
