I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
