if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
