While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
