I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
