Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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