how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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