I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
