your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
