What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
