Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
