just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
