Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
