I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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