Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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