I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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