Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
nutella sex= disaster
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
