it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
