im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
