So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
