White coat. Heels.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Help me help you realize you are a moron
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
