Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
