maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
