What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
