census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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