Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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