wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
