you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
