I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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