so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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