It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The power of my boobs compel you
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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